Settle in, beloveds, for our last run around the Greatest Section of All Time. Today, as if the universe knew we needed some cheer, it’s an awfully lurid series of stories, raunch-tastic all the way. For the lead, Penelope Green goes investigatively hogwild for sex toy art—and, okay, buildings—in the California desert. As if that weren’t enough, we learn about the ShabbHOT (yeah it is…), and hang out with cookbook author Giulia Melucci, a conversation that leads Joyce Wadler into discussions of one of Melucci’s visitor’s “limp noodle.” Yes. That would be an impotence joke right there. Published in the pages of the New York Times. Soar, Gray Lady, soar! Back down to earth, with some extremely proper insight into the appropriate arrangement of a correct bookshelf, and a terrifying reminder not to leave our windows open willy-nilly. (A stretch, but bear with us.) And then, just as we’d forgotten the trauma behind and ahead, what would be under by any other name a harmless story about terraces becomes so much more with the introduction of this sentiment: “In a restricted space like a balcony or rooftop, the key is to be ruthless.” Also, Stuff-You-Can-Buy. Of could, if you were employed.

And so, we leave you, as we embark upon the next great section of our lives, with, as ever, our scores:

Eva: 5.5, 4.5, 5.9, 5.2, 5.6, 3.0
Ian: 4.7, 5.9, 4.5, 4.9, 5.2, 5.1

We don’t know what you knew or when you knew it, Tom and Noel Dekay and Millea, but you really cheered us up today. Thank you for the monkey leads, for Julie Scelfo, and for always sending Joyce on assignment. We will forever be the Tai to your Randy, the Sasha to your Kimmie, the Nancy to your Tonya. And just remember; anytime you feel like taking us out for a Biellmann spin, you know where to find us. It just might be serendipity.

The Master Builder Cuts Loose [New York Times]
Making Kosher a Little More Convenient [New York Times]
Romeo is Late for Dinner [New York Times]
Shelving Done Right [New York Times]
Opening Windows So Only Breeze Passes Through [New York Times]
When Your Only Space is a Rooftop or Terrace [New York Times]

Today’s Greatest Section of All Time took a while to get around to, distracted as we’ve been all day by the bright sunshine, the chirping birds, the promise—no, arrival!—of spring. We kept opening it up on our dismal little computer, but just couldn’t bring ourselves to bring ourselves down via quick spin through the lead story on how people made ends meet during the Great Depression (we’re really hoping this piece falls in the “wacky news,” not the “not afraid to be servicey” editorial slot). But, eventually we did. As well as the inaugural column about a Starter Garden—artichokes, difficult!—and a piece by loudpaper-er Mimi Zeiger on the transformation of an East Village synagogue into a modern triplex. Climbing slightly back towards the birdsong when we were brutally thrust back into our worst fears of living in these economic times with a report from Cadillac Man, aka Dude Who Lived Under the Viaduct, and then even further into the awareness that we still haven’t changed our lightbulb because we can’t reach it because we’re alone and also girls just don’t do home improvements, do they? (They do??) Edifaves Stephen Milioti and Julie Scelfo talk about mattresses (reminding us again that we still don’t have one) and lawns (nope, neither).

And then, and this remains as per usual un-scored, but just for fun a bonus, as Official Edificial Top-Five-to-Seven Sophie Donelson kicks in with a Currents about a Brooklyn furniture store that sells furniture made in Brooklyn but oh, snap, there’s a typo in the dek. Which is right over another hed, “An Algebraic Approach to Style,” which is pimping a book, Flip! For Decorating, which both reminds us of the greatest home decorating book of all time, Mary Gilliatt’s The Decorating Book, and also which Ms. Donelson might have had a little something to do with. The book, not the algebra. That too. It’s sunny outside. Our brain hurts from enthusiasm. Why are we here?

To wrap it all up and bring it all home, just so we can leave ours:

Eva: 3.5, 5.5, 4.8, 5.7, 3.2, 4.3, 4.7
Ian: 5.2, 5.0, 2.9, 5.3, 4.1, 4.5, 4.6

We refuse to acknowledge anything in this section that speaks of reality. And so we’re siding with Cadillac Man, and off to the park.

Making Ends Meet in the Great Depression [New York Times]
A Novice in Search of Bounty [New York Times]
Once Sacred, Now Their Showcase [New York Times]
I Loved It Under the Viaduct; Still Do [New York Times]
Hammering It Home [New York Times]
Fast and Economical Mattress Fixes [New York Times]
A Lawn as Healthy as It Looks [New York Times]

We are in love. Bowled over by it. Shamelessly, hopelessly so, overflowing with butterflies and longing and happiness, marveling at the glory of the universe that created the space in which today’s Greatest Section of All Time can exist.

Our affair kicks off with a look at people—all men, incidentally—who love Captain Kirk’s captain chair so much that they either bought or made one of their own and installed it either in their living rooms or—wives be blamed, of course—home offices. And, did we mention the lead story about Trekkies so obsessed with Captain Kirk that they want to sit in his chair and pretend to send photons? Just wanted to make sure we caught your attention about the above-the-fold piece about Star Trek aficionados who kit out their homes with low-rent versions of Captain Kirk’s Klingon-fighting base. Just to clarify.

The rest would be kinda whatevs under any other name but seems utterly wonderful when seen through the still-rosy afterglow of that round-up of Trekjobs. Dudes who pillage foreclosed homes; Penelope Green on a new bachelor’s new Soho apt, a story that illuminates the search for solo identity after years of dual; Anne Raver compares begonias to prom-going girls; less-beloved non-Canadian Rima Suqi hangs out with darkly nostalgic Sean MacPherson; Edifave Julie Scelfo investigates carpets, full marks for getting “yikes” into the Gray Lady; and Stuff-You-Can-Look-At.

And now, as per always, our scores.

Eva: 6 bn, 3.5, 5.4, 4.6, 5.8, 5.7
Ian: 4.9, 5.6, 3.8, 5.0, 4.7, 5.5

And so here we are, toodling off into the takion field with our phasers set to vibrate, our magnamotic flux chiller doing its business so that we can do ours. When CRASH! Zoom! Red Alert! D’eridex Class Warbirds to starboard, Sir!

Oh, Times. Why’d you have to go and break the peace? Today just went from Yamaguchi-level awesome to a total death spiral.

Getting Their Kirk On [New York Times]
Foreclosure Trash-Out: Ill Fortune and Its Leavings [New York Times]
Bringing Light to a New York Loft [New York Times]
A Burst of Begonias to Satisfy a Yen [New York Times]
Tending the Hearth [New York Times]
Don’t Sweep It Under the Rug [New York Times]
DMCA Take Down Notice: The NYTimes Goes to War and Wants to Shut Us Down [Apartment Therapy]

Big gap in the action today, but we’re back. We were running around checking out Dror’s new line for Target and Jerry Helling’s new discovery for Bernhardt Design (details coming imminently!) but we’re back, and deep in the Greatest Section of All Time. About as deep, actually, as the lead’s six profilees are in debt. Debt, friends, which led them to only having $300 to dedicate to home improvements. Why even make those home improvements in the first place? Because, clearly, the combination of not having a job and then trying to find a job while hating the place that you wake up in and then stay in all day, hoping that something might change about that pile of clothes if only you click refresh one more time isn’t fun. Trust us, we’ve tried it. And we might try a few of the possibilities discovered by Edifave Julie Scelfo in the course of her investigation of a Staten Island house, a downtown Brooklyn one-bedroom, a Murray Hill share, a Billyburg one-bedroom, and a West Village studio. What’s somewhat surprising is just how visually busy all the upgraded interiors are, which is just another reminder that as easy as it is to cover up less-than-fantastic bones, there’s a reason rich people live in houses that have three pieces of furniture. It just, when done right, looks better. Still, kudos for acknowledging that fact that we’re all broke, and showing that it doesn’t mean we have to live miserably. Having just purchased our first piece of art and contemplating the introduction of paint to our craptastically yellow walls, we’re inspired.

Elsewhere, Anne Raver plants peas. With her boyfriend, Rock. Who calls her Bugsy. This is fantastic. Beloved Canadian Tim McKeough is nowhere in shopping sight as Zahra Sethna looks for clocks with the boys behind the billable hour-tracking Harvest (no more rounding up to the nearest hundred, sigh); The Fix introduces home-repair novices to “the shutoff” valve; Scelfo moves right along through another Green Home interview; and, of course, Stuff-You-Can-Buy. Cheaper.

And now, as per always, a few hours late-ish and definitely $300 short, our scores:

Eva: 5.5, 4.3, 4.2, 4.1, 5.1
Ian: 5.2, 3.8, 4.9, 3.9, 5.3

Sort of a quite-good-to-good-level week this week. Solid on the real-life assist courtesy Ms. Scelfo and a remarkable show of Raver-ian personality. It’s almost like the faces behind the section are coming out to play. Making jokes. Doing stuff. Being funny. Keep it up. Oh wait! We just got it! It’s all about taking care of yourself! We peons can turn off our own leaky water valves, make our homes a little greener, and tell time! All it takes is a reasonable drive(way) and a lot of gumption.

The $300 Makeover (At Least That Was the Goal) [New York Times]
The Joy of Planting: Earth, Sun and Peas [New York Times]
Got a Minute? [New York Times]
Some Basics for Home-Repair Novices [New York Times]
Five Beginners’ Steps to a Greener Home [New York Times]

Today’s Greatest Section of All Time reels it way back in from the monkey glory of last week with a group of stories as serious as they are timely, as focused as they are somber.

First up, a Barcelona apartment redone in the environmental style by Treehugger Petz Scholtus and written about by section mainstay Penelope Green, who points out that Scholtus closed on her apartment on Buy Nothing Day. Essentially, Scholtus comes across as one of those magical people who manages to live like there’s only either today or the long future we have to save our world for, rather than succumbing to those constant stresses of the next little while (she spent six months couch-surfing and living out of a bag in order to save money on unnecessary luxuries like two homes at the same time), which gives us a happy feeling in our spiritual place. Bonus Official Edificial word for anyone looking to live the magic: Petz might be looking for a New York swap.

Elsewhere, Edifavorite Julie Scelfo visits a rambling Upper West Side apartment and lets the Apthorpers ramble about their rambling histories and presents, full marks for the parrot-on-head; former section editor—and the man responsible for some of the most groundbreaking and seminal reporting ever to be done in that paper—Michael Cannell takes a break from writing a book (about, we’ve heard, racecars?) to check in with a California mini-village; Scelfo pops up again with Round Two of “The Green Home,” this time on recycling; beloved Canadian Tim McKeough gets felt up by Cooper Hewitt curator Susan Brown; and Jay Romano gives us a bath of a reprieve.

Also, bonus Canadian Stuff-You-Can-Buy. And now, as per always, our scores:

Eva: 4.9, 5.5, 4.8, 4.5, 5.6, 4.2
Ian: 5.1, 5.7, 4.1, 4.8, 4.6, 4.3

It might just be our cold-weather ennui, but this week it’s like everyone’s going in the same direction, but no one’s doing anything all that earth-shattering. Then again, it’s hard to compete with Higgins.

Carbon Neutral on a Shoe String [New York Times]
Tenants of a Vanishing World [New York Times]
A Hilltop Village of Their Own [New York Times]
Recycling Gadgets When They Go Pffft… [New York Times]
Feeling Felt [New York Times]
A New Life for the Old Tub [New York Times]

We bolted out of bed at the crack of dawn this morning, raced through our morning ablutions (calisthenics for one, ceiling-staring for the other), and scrabbled through those assorted missives—fan-mail, slash fiction, mash notes—we found relevant. Why the rush? We’d been tipped off as to the content of the Greatest Section of All Time’s lead story: monkeys, and the people (like, late-breaking, the Kardashians) who love them.

And boy did the paper deliver. (Har.) Behold, an epic and four-internet-page piece on the practicality and psychology of living with primates. Joyce Wadler goes deep, reporting on a couple who have differences of opinion vis a vis their semi-beloved baboon Higgins, a painter who sees his capuchin monkey Benjamin as more of a friend and less of a pet, and the truly tragic story of Judie Harrison, who—among many other primate-favoring decisions—asked her teenage son to give his bedroom over to her chimpanzee Mikey.

We’re spending this long on it because it’s one of those pieces the Home section does best: out of left field, thoroughly reported, to do with the complete strangeness that lies below the surface of normalcy. This is a killer break from the nice vacation houses of the last few weeks, and a piece that reminds us why we stand behind this being the Greatest Section of All Time, week after week, gardens after shopping. Through the framework of monkeys, we’re looking at how people live. In their houses, which they turn into their homes. (Sometimes through the addition of a few locked cages.)

Elsewhere, outdoor fireplaces are the new pool (we empathize, truly); a kind of amazing “modern Indian” apartment; a nod towards the orchid show (we failed the “don’t think of Susan Orlean!” gray elephant test); official Edificial fave Julie Scelfo’s hilarious—“I don’t know what you just said.”—yet shockingly informative interview with the EPA’s Design for the Environment program, which actually makes us rethink our dedication to Seventh Generation; beloved Canadian Tim McKeough shops with a flower show magnate; a story on disposals that made us too fritzily uncomfortable and Heroes-scene freaked-out to finish; and bonsai! (the headline for which kudos, Tom and Noel.)

As always, our scores, out of a possible 6.0:

Eva: 7.3, 4.2, 5.7, 5.4, 5.9, 4.6, 2.5, 5.9
Ian: 7.0, 3.7, 5.2, 5.1, 4.2, 5.1, 3.6, 4.9

Yeah. This week’s like a triple Axel-triple-flip-triple-toe triple-Lutz.

My Monkey, My Self [New York Times]
Fireplaces Step Out for Air [New York Times]
Indian Modern Redux [New York Times]
Orchids as Art, With a Nod to Brazil [New York Times]
When it Comes to Detergents, What’s the Least Irresponsible Choice? [New York Times]
Inviting Spring Inside [New York Times]
Bigger Muscle for the Disposal [New York Times]
Not All Trees Are Cut Out to Be Bonsai [New York Times]

In this week’s unusually geriatric-focused section, Joyce Wadler hangs out with the brilliantly zany designer Cynthia Leibrock, a house in France is rendered accessible to its Universal Design Award-winning owner Jean-Yves Prodel, New Yorkers might as well go eat compost with worms, the newsflash that famous people don’t feel all that weird about having gigantic paintings of themselves around, resident beloved Canadian McKeough shops to save the world, and duh the weapon was an icicle!

And now, as per always, our scores, in order:
Eva: 5.8, 4.2, 5.9, 5.8, 4.2, 5.8
Ian: 5.2, 5.1, 4.9, 3.7, 4.8, 3.5

Looks like it’s a Torville & Dean-level week!

A Colorado Home Is Ready for Its’ Owners Old Age [New York Times]
Bringing Égalité Home [New York Times]
Urban Composting: A New Can of Worms [New York Times]
Enough About Me. Like My Portrait? [New York Times]
All Shades of Green [New York Times]
Icicles, Beautiful; Ice Dams, Ugly [New York Times]

Hey! Did you know this weekend is Valentine’s Day? Those crazy kids at House & Home sure did, and it’s a romance-themed section all the way from the lede about what, exactly, giving your house keys to your significant other means—you love them/you want to marry them/you think they’re ultra-superfly—and what might happen once you do—you break up/they break in/they eat your food/they set your cat on fire—to the final axel. Further twisting the knife into our lonelyheart, the next feature is an At Home With (always one of our invasive favorites) Hannah Holmes, author of “The Well-Dressed Ape: A Natural History of Myself” and all-around oxytocin- and dopamine-dropping charmer who just got married and renovated a house in a hormone-greased haze. And then! Just when we thought it couldn’t get any more saccharine, Natalya and Eugene Kasper’s SoHo loft—unearthed by Official Edificial Top Five-to-Seven Mimi Zeiger!—makes us jealous for real estate rather than feelings. And so, there we were, starting to feel a bit inconsolable, blue, Dumpy McGrumptown, when this shining fire of an electric log swooped in to save the section and our day. Steven Kurutz, the bargainer of a few weeks back, investigates The Case Of The Roll-n-Glow Amish Space Heater, and it is tremendous. Elsewhere, Mike Birbiglia tries out some blankets, something vaguely useful about fire extinguishers, and, of course, Stuff-You-Can-Buy. And now, our scores:

Eva: 4.8, 5.7, 3.8, 6.0, 4.6, 3.5, 3.7
Ian: 5.2, 4.5, 2.9, 5.6, 3.8, 4.6, 5.1

Happy Valentine’s Day. We’ll be practicing our triple-lutz. For ourselves.

Love at the Door [New York Times]
Biology, Romance and Renovation [New York Times]
Undoing the Cover-Up [New York Times]
Amish Space Heater: Is That an Oxymoron? [New York Times]
Sleepwalkers, Take Notice [New York Times]
Fire Extinguishers From A to C [New York Times]

There must be some Lady in the atmosphere. This week’s Best Section That Ever Was And/Or Ever Will Be brings us a stunning three-(internet)-page report on people who have stopped using their fridges. Yes. You read right. Stopped. Completely. Finito. Instead, they keep their perishables in frozen-water-bottle-cooled coolers, or outside, or in tiny basement freezers. It’s all very charming in a better-you-than-me sort of way. Less charming is yet another reminder that Domino folded. We had just about soothed the pain, let up on the histrionics, picked ourselves up out of the ragged puddle we’d been creating on just about every flat surface we could find, and attempted to move on. But the Gray One is insensitive to a fault, uncaring to the nth degree, and Green digs the knife into our split heart once again to—through a story on the blogosphere (hello, world!) effect and a number-crunching look at sales vs ad pages—remind us of just how great Domino was, even if no one ever quite actually bought those, er, “accessible” Pottery Barn side-tables or West Elm beds. Speaking of makeovers, Edificial favorite Ernest Beck takes a break from thinking about starting that whole Change Observer thing to write about a horrendously ugly “abomination” of an LA house turned superfly through the replacement of its mansard roof with a boxy slatted facade. Beloved Canuck Tim McKeough appears once again, this time with fewer dogs and more coffee, and also, radiators exist. Stuff-You-Can-Buy is fair to middling with the exception of a—stay tuned!—shocking headline we’ll be digging our claws into and the shockingly cute knitted hamster house. And so, today’s scores, in order of our order:

Eva: 4.8, 4.7, 5.5, 5.6, 3.5, 3.0
Ian: 4.9, 4.7, 5.2, 3.7, 4.1, 3.9

Trashing the Fridge [New York Times]
A Girl World Closes, and Fans Mourn [New York Times]
Striped With Light [New York Times]
The Cafe Way [New York Times]
Radiating Style as Well as Heat [New York Times]

This week’s Greatest Section of All Time reminds us, just in case we’d managed to forget, that we’re in a bit of a belt-tightening crunch at the moment, a bit less likely—or willing, or even, gasp, able—to drop zillions on a side-table when millions will do, buy enough magazines, want enough mattresses. The lead is one of those rare but delightful first-person “look what zany thing happened when I attempted an experiment!” pieces, this one written by the thoroughly charming Steven Kurutz. Rohrlich counters with a report from the other haggling side; Green describes artist Lucy Waring’s biomorphic apartment and Louie artist-and-filmmaker Shirin Neshat’s loft. Almost lulled into gentle complacency by the pretty slideshows, we were then brutalized by the reminder of Domino’s fold and the news that bunches of crunches of home decor places are going under. Were it not for the Canadian highlight of McKeough going puppy-accessory shopping with Dorothy Draper & Co. president and owner Carleton Varney, we’d barely be able to pick ourselves up off the floor. As it is, this one’s a mixed bag. As usual, in order:

Eva: 5.8, 4.5, 5.6, 5.5, 2.0, 5.3, 5.9
Ian: 5.7, 5.3, 4.7, 4.9, 3.7, 3.9, 4.3

How Low Will They Go? [New York Times]
Adventures in Haggling: The Retailers’ View [New York Times]
In a Manhattan Apartment, Back to the Future [New York Times]
A Minimalist Loft, Accessorized Like Its Owner [New York Times]
Domino, Shopping and Decorating Magazine, Closes [New York Times]
The Meltdown in Home Furnishings [New York Times]
Making Clients Drool [New York Times]

Ah, Thursday. Sweet day of succor, morning of relief. House & Home is here again. This week, Tom and Noel et al give us a piece on two single women who live semi-together in friendly companionship and co-art-making; a story on concrete logs that look sort of like real logs, maybe if you know nothing about Montana and can’t tell real wood from Architecture 101; an investigation into the possibilities of moving with plastic rather than cardboard boxes (stop us before we thrill again!); and, most notably as Currents is usually our least-favorite, two hidden kicks. One, Seattle-based artist Roy McMakin’s Things Change/Change Things glasses are now Stuff You Can Buy. Two, tucked into a few lines of text, looks like Murray “Design is Gonna Be Just Fiiiiiiine” Moss is having a warehouse sale. Interesting. Very. Interesting.

As expected, the scores, in order of story:
Eva: 5.1, 3.6, 4.8, 6.0, 6.0
Ian: 5.2, 3.8, 3.2, 5.7, 5.8

To Each Her Own [New York Times]
The Logless Log Home [New York Times]
Movers Find Eco-Friendly Options [New York Times]
A Little Perspective With Your Breakfast [New York Times]
Deep Discounts, From Floor to Ceiling [New York Times]

Thursday is the best day, the most wonderful day, the day that has the morning in which the New York Times’ House & Home section comes out. Today we inaugurate what will be a weekly feature here at Edificial. Please welcome Criticizing the Criticizers: House & Home Edition.

The backstory: a few years ago, when we were but twigs, the section was edited by none other than our old friend, proto-Calvinist Michael Cannell, with the deputy assistance of tall-drink-of-water Tom DeKay. In 2006, Cannell left—taking ten years off his age—and DeKay took over, bringing in his best gal(pal) and former Surface co-editor Noel “rhymes with DeKay” Millea. Pop culture coverage went up, totally random stories went down. Word on the street was that they were going to shake up the section, screw with the Times, and start pushing that monolithic Gray Lady towards house- and home-related relevance and awesomeness. We’re here to start monitoring that progress, to see if, three years in, they’re doing it.

The frontstory: this week sees a “Breaking! Could something in your house be killing you right now? Details at eleven!” piece on the possibly deadly mattresses you sleep on every single—barring those you get lucky—night; another on what happens when your mom moves in (bonus line: “If a natural mother-daughter rapport is elusive, buy duct tape.”); and a totally amazing shaking-the-world-up report of a Hong Kong apartment that can support twenty-four different layouts throughout a 344-square-foot apartment—call us, Gary Chang!

And then there’s Currents. AKA Stuff-You-Can-Buy.

We’re just gonna go ahead and score this shit, in order of story.
Eva: 5.5, 4.8, 6.0
Ian: 3.9, 3.8, 6.0

The Stuffing Dreams Are Made Of? [New York Times]
Your Mother Is Moving In? That’s Great [New York Times]
24 Rooms Tucked Into One [New York Times]